You've been misunderstanding Trauma Bonding all along. It's a toxic trap

When we say "trauma bonding"—what comes to mind? Many might assume it’s a connection formed through shared trauma, but it’s more complex—and far more toxic—than it seems at first instance.

Trauma bonding isn’t just a buzzword; it’s a psychological phenomenon that traps individuals in harmful relationships through cycles of abuse and affection.

What is trauma bonding?

According to Ruchi Ruuh, a Delhi-based relationship counsellor, trauma bonding occurs when an abuser creates a cycle of manipulation by alternating between abusive behaviour and affectionate gestures. This unpredictable pattern makes the victim emotionally dependent, confusing love with control and harm.

“The abuser alternates between harmful behaviour (abuse, manipulation) and positive behaviour (affection, apologies), creating confusion and dependency in the victim. This cycle makes the relationship feel unpredictable yet difficult to leave, as moments of ‘kindness’ can create a 'euphoric recall' of all the good memories,” says Ruuh.

Relationship expert Shahzeen Shivdasani adds that trauma bonding is not about shared past traumas but staying in a toxic relationship where emotional abuse is followed by periods of kindness. This pattern fosters dependency, keeping victims emotionally hooked.

Ekta Khurana, another Delhi-based psychologist and therapist mentions that sometimes victims are absolutely aware that the person showcasing the behaviour is toxic but yet, they cannot break free from the relationship.

How does it affect mental health?

The psychological toll of trauma bonding is severe. Ruuh explains that the constant highs and lows can lead to anxiety, depression, and even PTSD. Victims often internalise blame, suffer from low self-esteem, and mistakenly believe they are responsible for the abuse.

She also mentions that one of the downsides of forming such a bond is that the abuser’s approval becomes the source of the victim’s worth and safety, creating unhealthy reliance. This creates a unique kind of dependency on the abusers and victims stay too long trying to make sense of this relationship.

How does trauma bonding develop?

Shivdasani attributes the development of trauma bonding to intermittent reinforcement, where periods of affection follow abusive episodes. Victims try to rationalise their partner’s erratic behaviour, hoping for lasting change, which rarely comes.

Additionally, people with insecure attachment styles or unresolved childhood trauma are more prone to falling into such toxic cycles, says Ruuh.

“Over time, the tension-abuse-reconciliation cycle becomes normalised, making it harder to recognise the toxicity. Abusers often isolate their victim from their support systems like family and friends, making the abusive relationship the only emotional outlet for the victims,” mentions Ruuh.

Breaking free and healing

Ekta Khurana outlines the essential steps to break free:

• Awareness: Recognise that the relationship is toxic and built on manipulation.
• Seek support: Talk to trusted friends, join support groups, or seek therapy.
• Document patterns: Keep a journal of abusive incidents to combat gaslighting.
• Set boundaries: Establish physical and emotional distance from the abuser.
• Rebuild self-worth: Invest in self-care, hobbies, and healthy social connections.
• Therapeutic help: Consider therapies like CBT or EMDR for deep-rooted trauma.

Red flags to watch for

Shahzeen Shivdasani highlights warning signs of trauma bonding:

• The relationship alternates between intense affection and mistreatment.
• The abuser justifies harmful behaviour as ‘for your own good’.
• You feel isolated from friends and family.
• Ending the relationship triggers anxiety or guilt.

Misconceptions about trauma bonding

Contrary to popular belief, trauma bonding isn’t mutual or limited to romantic relationships. It can occur in friendships, workplaces, and family dynamics where power imbalances exist. So, watch out!

Source: India Today