9 things I learned about grief that will get you through the worst of it

Nov 19, 2024 - 11:27

It can be difficult to leave even the most miserable of relationships, especially if you see yourself as a victim. Even when the relationship causes you harm, you internalize a lack of control that leaves you feeling "stuck" and unable to move forward.

Some habits and patterns of thinking unintentionally contribute to this, keeping you trapped and feeling powerless. It's important to recognize these self-sabotaging behaviors so that you can take control of your own happiness and leave an unhealthy relationship behind.

Nine habits that keep you stuck in a miserable, unsatisfying relationship

1. Feeling like negative things 'just happen' to you

This is the belief that negative things are happening to you, not because of you. You may worry that you have no control over anything.

2. Believing you have no control

This is the belief that you have no control over your life nor any influence over its trajectory. You may feel that things will never change no matter what you do, and things just "are what they are."

Sad woman who feels like a victim in her relationship New Africa | Shutterstock

3. Blaming others for your life's occurrences

You may believe that others are responsible for events that occur in your life. Often, this is particularly concerning a partner.

You believe that whether you can or can't do something, can or can't enjoy something, depends largely on someone else's reactions or behavior, and therefore you aren't responsible for anything bad... or even good.

4. Refusal to accept negative outcomes or recognize patterns of behavior

Couple in miserable relationship fighting Mladen Mitrinovic | Shutterstock

You and your partner likely end up arguing about the same things all the time because one of you refuses to admit the problem is on their end.

5. You don't look at your own behavior

Refusal to self-reflect or make appropriate changes is a sign of victim mentality. When you are unable or unwilling to take responsibility for your own actions and contributions, you can't change or improve your situation.

Research shows that self-reflection leads to a greater sense of control, better decision-making, and greater accountability — all things needed to leave a miserable relationship.

6. You re-tell painful stories constantly

Reveling in telling stories of your pain and challenges over and over again is another classic sign of unhealthy victimhood. All of these things happened to you and were horrible, so they're worth repeating because it signifies why you're struggling now.

7. You perceive everyone else's life as better than your own

Jealous woman in miserable relationship Antonio Guillem | Shutterstock

Nothing in your own life quite compares to anyone else's, so why bother?

8. You perceive everyone else as 'lucky'

They didn't get it through hard work; they got it through luck and chance, which is why those same benefits never happen to you.

9. You attract people who carry a similar victimhood mentality

Misery loves company — research proves it. When people are unhappy, they seek out others who feel the same and who will validate their negative feelings and beliefs.

It can feel like a relief to be with someone else who believes that there's nothing you can change to make things better. No pressure that way, right?

Once you recognize these habits and understand that you are capable of changing them, you will be better equipt to leave an unhappy relationship. Unless you change from within, the outside will remain the same and you'll stay stuck.

Source: Your Tango