Why money and power affects male self-esteem

What we earn can affect our mental wellbeing, especially when we compare ourselves to those around us – and it can negatively influence male mental health.

"It stings your pride a little bit that your wife's the one out making all the money," said Dave, of his status as a stay-at-home dad.

"I'm, you know, a guy's guy... you tell them you stay home, and... they think you're some feminine dude," said Tom. Both were participants in an in-depth research study where both men and women were interviewed about the impact of the women in the relationships being the breadwinners.

Another, Brendon, had good reason to feel judged: family members labelled him "the house bitch".

These are but three examples of the judgement experienced by men who don't have jobs outside the home, and whose female partners are the primary earners.

In the study, the men said they felt judged partly because it's long been assumed that men are the main breadwinners in society. However, an increasing number of women are outearning their male partners, and this gradual rise of female breadwinners is revealing that who earns the money has lasting and influential impacts on power dynamics both at home, and in wider society.

A key reason these changing family dynamics are so influential is because money is so closely tied to power. When men aren't the highest earners in their household – but are expected to be by some sections of society – it can lead them to feel disempowered, decreasing mental wellbeing and even increasing the likelihood of divorce.  

Overall, men still tend to outearn women and among married couples with children, and women do more childcare and housework than men, a stubborn discrepancy found globally. In part this is thought to be due to gender expectations, but in some cases it may also reflect an economic necessity where the higher earner's career tends to be prioritised, so women are more likely to step back into part-time, flexible roles.

Despite the increase in breadwinning women, gender attitudes to paid work and roles at home have been slower to change. Even if women are the higher earners, they still do more housework and childcare than lower-earning male partners. And while among some age groups there's been an increase in support for gender equality, men still show lower satisfaction if they are out-earned.

An increasing body of research shows that it can affect a man's self-esteem and happiness if their female partner earns more than them. But how serious is the problem really? And what can be done to help men adjust to their new reality?

It's a little taboo for men to even talk about the impact of their female partner becoming the breadwinner. They might feel supportive of their partner's career, whilst at the same time feeling that they aren't fulfilling their role as "breadwinners" because many outdated assumptions of masculinity remain prevalent.

This is especially true when men inadvertently become stay-at-home fathers due to job loss or relocation, rather than choice. Harry Bunton, an ex-consultant and now rising social media influencer based in Sydney, Australia, recently lost his job. He posted on social media afterwards to thousands that his "values as a man, husband and father" were impacted.

"It makes sense to me why there's such a high rate of depression, and worse, in that population. When things don't go to plan it can be really devastating and can really challenge your ideas of what it means to be a man," Bunton wrote. "My hope is that sharing this story is that people can identify with it and their value isn't predicated on events like this… I feel almost empowered to be the dad that I want to be."

While Bunton took a positive approach to the change in his lifestyle, he exemplifies that how much a man earns relative to his partner can affect their mental wellbeing. For instance, one recent study of heterosexual couples in Sweden looked at 10 years of earnings data as well as mental health diagnoses to look for patterns. The researchers found that at the point when wives began to outearn their male partners, there was an uptick in mental health diagnoses among men. While there was an increase of up to 8% in mental health diagnoses for all participants whose partners earned more – including women – there was a more pronounced rise of up to 11% for men overall.

While writing my upcoming book, Breadwinners, I spoke with Demid Getik, an assistant professor in the Economics Department at Durham University who led the study, to find out more. He told me that while we may no longer hear it explicitly stated that the man should earn more, these expectations are still highly prevalent. The increase in mental health diagnoses in men whose partner has begun earning more, says Getik, could also be an indication that these couples are showing decreased relationship satisfaction, though his data did not specifically assess this.

Meanwhile other research has shown that the husbands of higher-earning women are more likely to cheat, which the authors say may be a way for them to reassert their masculine identity – one which has been threatened by their breadwinning wives.

Research also points to the idea that the pressure on men to be providers is a contributing factor to their wellbeing. When men are out of work, they have been shown to have higher rates of depression compared to out-of-work women. One possible explanation is women tend to have stronger social ties outside of work compared to men. Stay-at-home dads are therefore often more isolated than stay-at-home mums.

When it comes to understanding why wellbeing is so closely tied with what we earn, it helps to correct a misconception. While female breadwinners are often stereotyped as high-powered and career driven, in many couples with female breadwinners, it's a result of the man losing his job – leading to economic stress. That's especially prevalent given that research shows that in couples where only the woman is working, the average household wage is lower compared to couples with breadwinning men, in line with the gender pay gap. This led Helen Kowalewska, an assistant professor in the Department of Social Policy and Science at Bath University, and her team to suggest in a research paper that "most countries are not working hard enough to compensate for the female breadwinner earnings penalty". In this situation, where the entire household ends up with a lower income, she argues that welfare systems should be doing more to help.  

However, when men step back from paid work it can also have positive impacts on the family. In the UK, fathers are spending more time with children than in the past in general, and research shows that stay-at-home dads tend to spend more quality time with their children. As can be expected, stay-at-home dads do more childcare than breadwinner mums or dads. But they typically don't increase their share of the house work – it's only roughly equal in this scenario. In all other set-ups, women do more, according to a 2023 Pew report of US data.

Despite many countries having minimal paternity leave available, when fathers do take paternity leave, marital satisfaction can increase, as can father involvement in childcare – even when fathers return to work. Dads who take parental leave show greater bonds with their children, who will, in turn be more likely to grow up witnessing a more equitable division of labour. It follows that how parents divide housework will go on to shape what their children expect later in life, too. A more equitable division of labour at home also helps women pursue careers more easily and therefore increase their earning potential.

But the benefits to women of these societal shifts go further. In a study looking at Mexican households, a team found that the more work opportunities that women have outside the home, the more power they have in other domains, too. In other words, they gain more bargaining power over larger financial decisions. This tallies with other research. If a woman is empowered financially where historically she has been disempowered, naturally it can have a positive impact on her earning power, her autonomy and her career.

When norms are changed and it becomes routine for men to step back from work for family commitments, it can increase the wellbeing of the whole family. Swedish data for instance shows that when paternity leave was first introduced and fathers were given a so-called "daddy month" in 1995, the initial cohort of men who took this leave experienced reduced marital stability and the likelihood of separation increased. When the policy increased the amount of leave available to two months in 2002, this was no longer the case. Today, Swedish parents have three months available each in a use-it-or-lose it policy, and the rates of uptake for dads, as you would expect, are high. In fact, it's taboo for dads to skip this allotted parental leave. (Read more about this from the BBC.)

While there is a greater awareness of the importance of empowering women today, attitudes remain polarised. A recent Ipsos survey by King's College London, found that the youngest generation polled – Gen Z, who were aged between 18 and 28 at the time – were the most divided. A global poll of almost 24,000 individuals found that young men were more likely to agree with the statement that a father who stays home to look after his children is "less of a man". While 28% of Gen Z men agreed to this, only 19% of Gen Z women did. In all other age groups, the figure was lower. When asked to respond to the statement: "Men are being expected to do too much to support equality" 60% of Gen Z men agreed, compared to 38% of Gen Z women. Among baby boomers this figure dropped to 44% and 31% respectively.

Heejung Chung, professor of work and employment at King's College London and one of the report's authors, told me that one reason these attitudes are creeping in is because young women are now more likely to be university educated than young men. Perhaps as a consequence, she says, women in their early twenties earn slightly more than men. For the first time, there are now more female doctors than male doctors in the UK.

"We do see a lot of signs of gender parity in certain areas," Chung explains, and these younger individuals aren't perhaps experiencing the wider inequality that many women still face today – leading to a view that some boys "are falling behind."

Another reason for this division in attitudes towards equality could be that ideas around what masculinity represents are changing, but not everywhere. Rosie Campbell, a professor of politics also at King's College London, has authored research which found a growing divide in attitudes about masculinity, particularly among the younger generation. For example, men and women disagree on things like whether it's harder to be a man than a woman today.  She explains that "feminism is supposed to be about gender equality for men and women. Of course, it's got the term feminine in the title and that can sound quite exclusionary".

Campbell therefore advocates for more open conversations with young people, especially at school, about what the terms feminism and masculinity mean. "We need to think more about how we communicate to young men about what it is to be a man today, and what kind of role models they have," she says. This is especially important when considering the increasing misogynistic influences online, as portrayed recently on the Netflix drama Adolescence. (Read more from the BBC about the best TV shows of 2025 so far.)

Despite these findings, Chung and her colleagues' latest survey shows that most agree that achieving gender equality matters. There is also a small but growing body of research that shows men are changing their understanding of masculinity and fatherhood, to one that involves caring, empathy and other softer skills that are typically deemed feminine – as opposed to assuming manhood means earning more to look after your family. This has since been dubbed "caring masculinities".

“It's not just about men doing that fun stuff that's really rewarded. It's about them getting into those kinds of messy, gritty parts of care-work”, says Karla Elliott, a gender scholar from Monash University in Melbourne, Australia. Her work shows that taking on more of these practical caring tasks leads to a more nurturing disposition. Elliott explains that for this new conception of masculinity to spread, as well as taking on more care, men also need to disavow domination and inequality.

Some researchers are arguing that policies that increase paternity leave – and specifically earmark leave for men – can help them to increase their focus on care. This could in turn put less onus on men as providers and help women to earn more.

Policy changes can take time to filter though, so one solution we can all enact is to voice positive messages about our changing expectation of what our roles in society are. "There's a big opportunity here: if men are feeling that their self-esteem is impacted by their partner's earning, that's a great chance for men to reflect on why they're feeling that way, and potentially challenge some of the ingrained ideals about gender roles," says Elliott.

Given that female breadwinners are increasing in number, with time this economic shift could become normalised, meaning that among couples with children, men will need to adapt accordingly by increasing flexible working and caregiving. This will in turn help empower their higher-earning wives to pursue their careers.

And while it will take time, these changing attitudes could pave the way to minimising the male breadwinner, female homemaker expectation, increasing relationship satisfaction and creating a healthier power balance in the process.  

• Melissa Hogenboom is a BBC health and science journalist and author of the upcoming book Breadwinners (2025) and The Motherhood Complex

Source: BBC