Is Flirting Cheating?

A few years ago, a friend told me about a text she’d seen from her boyfriend to his coworker. “Your haircut looks hot,” it said. Upset, she asked him what he’d meant. “Nothing,” he shrugged. “I was just giving her a compliment.”

My friend tried to brush it off, but the bad feeling lingered. They broke up a few months later. “The text wasn’t the only reason, but it didn’t help. I couldn’t get past the idea that he was flirting behind my back. I lost trust,” she says.

Of course, paying someone a compliment isn’t always necessarily flirtatious. For my friend, it came down to the choice of words. “If he’d said ‘nice haircut’, maybe I wouldn’t have cared as much,” she admits. “But ‘hot’ seemed sexual. I already felt uncomfortable with their relationship – she texted him a lot. Seeing the text confirmed my fears: he definitely wasn’t discouraging her.”

Whether real or perceived, flirting can sow seeds of doubt in a relationship – or, as in my friend’s case, water seeds that had already started to sprout. “It can hurt a relationship, especially if it makes one partner feel insecure or disrespected,” confirms licensed mental health counsellor Rachel Marmor. “Over time, this can really damage emotional closeness.”

Flirting or just friendly?

Flirting isn’t always easy to detect. By its very nature, it’s open to interpretation. A gesture, a smile or an emoji could all be used to accentuate a point – or hint at the desire for something more. “The subtlety is actually what makes flirting fun and exciting,” says psychotherapist Suzette Bray.

The distinction between friendly and flirty, then, comes down to intention. “Being friendly is all about showing kindness, being warm, and genuinely caring for someone,” explains psychologist Dr Shaakira Haywood Stewart. “Flirting, on the other hand, is kindness wrapped in attraction or desire. It has a different energy.” Flirting tends to include behaviours or words that suggest attraction, interest or an invitation for attention. “It’s often playful or teasing, with a sprinkle of sexual tension,” explains Bray.

Innocent flirting

All that makes sense, but we also know that it can be challenging to know someone’s true intent. You can ask, but the other person may not be fully aware of it themselves. My friend with the coworker-texting boyfriend, for example, suspects he may have craved attention: “Looking back, he always needed a lot of validation; no amount was ever enough,” she says. “I don’t think he realised how a lot of his behaviour came across.”

Others still are just naturally charismatic, and enjoy engaging in what they consider to be harmless fun. “For some, it adds a spark to life, making them feel desirable and confident,” says Bray. “They may call it ‘innocent’ because it isn’t meant to go anywhere beyond a little ego boost or playful interaction.”

However, it’s worth noting that most experts say flirting is, by definition, never purely innocent: “There’s always intention behind flirting, and anything that has intention behind it is not innocent,” says psychotherapist Adrienne L Marshall. “Whether you’re trying to get something you want, trying to be perceived in a certain way, or trying to signal you find someone attractive, flirting has a purpose.”

That doesn’t mean that flirting is always negative or wrong, however. “Some couples might get a thrill from watching their partner flirt or be flirted with,” therapist Lauren Auer points out.

When flirting goes too far

What seems “innocent” to one person may not appear that way to the next. While the person initiating the flirting may have zero interest in pursuing a deeper connection, the same is not necessarily true for the person on the receiving end. “Flirting can arouse emotions such as delight, craving, passion and longing,” Marshall says. “And once those emotions enter into the dynamic, they can be hard to curb.”

This is where flirting can become a slippery slope. “Flirting crosses the line when it shifts from playful interaction to a situation where someone is seeking something more – a deeper emotional connection or potential physical intimacy,” says Bray.

Furthermore, if flirting makes your partner uncomfortable, “it’s already gone past the innocent stage,” she says.

Is flirting cheating?

A person may be uncomfortable with their partner’s flirting, but when does it go from merely frustrating to an example of infidelity? It really depends on the relationship – and how you and your partner define cheating.

Infidelity, like flirting, is subjective. Even people who study it disagree on its parameters – and infidelity has been studied a lot. In one analysis, the definitions among researchers ranged from “any failure to love, honour and support your partner” to “any action done in secrecy” to “any behaviour that isn’t condoned by your partner” – secret or not. “Generally, infidelity is defined as any type of emotional, sexual or romantic behaviour that violates the exclusivity that romantic relationships have by definition,” the researchers concluded.

To make matters murkier, there are also different kinds of infidelity: physical, emotional and cheating that occurs via text or online. Within those categories, there’s also a spectrum. For most, sleeping with someone else is almost universally maligned, while sending a winky emoji is a blurred line. “Flirting exists in the grey zone,” agrees Bray.

All this is to say that flirting is only cheating if it infringes on the mutually-agreed-upon expectations that individuals have established, explicitly or implicitly, within a relationship. It’s up to you and your partner (or partners) to decide what counts – and to make sure you’re aligned. “There’s no hard-and-fast rule because different relationships have different boundaries,” says Bray. “In some partnerships, flirting is no big deal. In others, it’s seen as a threat or violation of trust.”

Flirting and emotional cheating

Here’s the catch: even if you and your partner decide that harmless flirtation is occasionally fine, it’s important to keep the lines of communication open. “If you feel guilt, you’re hiding it or it’s becoming a pattern, it’s worth addressing – either to come clean or to recalibrate your behaviour and boundaries,” says Bray.

To do otherwise can lead to further disconnection. “Repeated flirting can create emotional distance between partners. It can breed insecurity, jealousy or even suspicion,” says Bray. And such mistrust, in turn, can open the door to infidelity.

“It can morph into something more insidious, like emotional cheating,” Bray says. “Emotional cheating usually happens when you start to rely on someone outside your relationship for emotional support, connection and validation in a way that competes with or replaces the bond you have with your partner. It’s a red flag if you find yourself hiding your flirtations or rationalising why you’re engaging in them.”

What should you do if your partner is a flirt?

To that end, if you notice your partner flirting and it bothers you, it’s best to bring it up as soon as possible. “Be direct: share what you saw and how it made you feel,” says Hayword Steward, who adds that the rule goes both ways. “If you find yourself attracted to someone, it’s okay to acknowledge that. We’re only human. What matters is that you’re honest and emphasise that your commitment is to your partner. Open communication is the foundation of any strong relationship.”

It’s also the sign of another relationship linchpin: respect. “Technically, flirting might not be cheating, but let’s be honest, it can be dangerously close to disrespect,” Hayword Steward continues. “What matters is that you’re honest and prioritising respect. This is how we build trust and deepen connection. Flirting might seem harmless, but in the end, it comes down to maintaining the respect and love that your relationship is built on.”

Source: British Vogue