Maintenance sex: A chore, connection, or just 'let's keep the peace' moment?

Have you had sex with your partner when you are not in the mood? Or is it just another chore for you? Or are you pretending to be asleep before your partner gets into bed? Perhaps, you'll find comfort in knowing that dwindling sex drive is pretty common in couples.

According to a study by Johns Hopkins, sexual intimacy has a pattern. The first stage is - Couples, newly in love, are more excited, experience closeness and have regular sex. The second stage is - Once the couple has been in a relationship for more than three to four years, the freshness of the relationship wears off, and sex becomes routine. The third stage is - Once the couple starts a family, the couple's sex life takes a toll, mostly due to exhaustion and lack of private time. Many don't recover from this even after their child has grown up.

The study revealed that approximately one woman in 10 experiences a decrease in their sex drive at some point in life. This can happen due to several factors, such as career and family pressures, feeling overwhelmed, resentful, loss of connection, shift in priorities, juggling responsibilities, hormonal changes, depression, body image concerns and physical changes.

Men also experience a decrease in sex drive, commonly due to one of these reasons - physical changes, societal stigmas, erectile dysfunction or underlying health conditions.

It is rare for two people to have matching sex drives. So, some couples make a silent pact (or a verbal one) to engage in sex in order to maintain their relationship, even if one or both partners aren't particularly in the mood. Though often unspoken, maintenance sex happens. But is it a relationship lifeline or just another duty?

Basically, maintenance sex is a couple keeping the sex up to ensure both people in the relationship are sexually satisfied. It is like maintaining a relationship with the help of sex just like we maintain the walls of our house with paint or the furniture with nuts and bolts.

"It's a way to keep the connection alive and ensure intimacy remains a part of the relationship," said Dr Pallavi Abhilasha, associate professor at Christian Medical College & Hospital's department of Psychiatry in Ludhiana, Punjab.

She said that some couples find that it can boost their relationship by keeping the physical bond strong and preventing feelings of neglect or distance, adding, "people do it for various reasons, including maintaining intimacy, fulfilling each other's needs, or simply keeping the relationship healthy."

Even though it is hard to put a number to how common it is as it's a private matter and varies from couple to couple, but several sex experts say that maintenance sex should definitely be a part of the menu. A 2017 study revealed that couples that have sex once a week are the happiest. Another study in the US said couples who had sex more than once a week didn't report being any happier, and those who had sex less than once a week reported feeling less fulfilled.

Mrudula*, a resident of Delhi, said, "Yes, I have had sex with my partner when not in the mood and so has he. All's fair in love and sex, as long as it's mutual."

Sex is a way to remind your partner how much you mean to each other. But is it non-consensual or unwanted sex? Dr Pallavi Abhilasha said, "While it might be termed as unwanted sex, it's still consensual if both partners agree to it. The key difference is that one or both partners might not be particularly enthusiastic about it at that moment."

To expect that your partner will always want the exact amount of sex as you do is not particularly practical. For some, sex is like hitting the gym - you don't want to do it initially but once you are done, you are satisfied. While there are others who think it is better to hit the gym once and then eat junk guilt-free the entire week.

Sharanya*, a homemaker, said that her bond with her husband is very strong but they just don't have matching sex drives. In order to avoid this one thing ruin their relationship, she said 'I just go along with it'.

"For me, it's more about getting over with it. It is too time consuming and just seems like too much of a process. Sex once a week is an unsaid rule between my husband and me. We love each other and I am good at faking it, so, it is a win-win. It does not matter to me and I don't want it to affect my relationship," she said.

IS IT SEXIST?

Some argue that maintenance sex is sexist and that one should only have sex when they are 'in the mood'. But what happens when one partner isn't 'in the mood' and the other, with the higher libido, wants sex? This leaves one partner feeling hounded for sex all the time and the other pathetic for wanting it, leading to an unhealthy, sexless, and unfulfilled marriage. Sex plays an important role in a healthy and happy relationship.

Dr Pallavi Abhilasha explained this further, "Whether it's sexist depends on the dynamics of the relationship. If one partner feels pressured or obligated to engage in maintenance sex, it can be problematic. However, if both partners agree and see it as a way to maintain their connection, it can be a healthy practice."

Couples might need or want to have maintenance sex to keep their relationship strong, maintain intimacy, or fulfill each other's needs. "The drawbacks can include feelings of resentment or obligation if one partner feels pressured. It's essential for both partners to communicate openly and ensure that they're both comfortable with the arrangement," she said.

A Reddit thread asking men on how much maintenance sex is enough in an otherwise healthy marriage, a user posted, "There is a bigger underlying problem if sex is just duty or maintenance. I'd prefer no sex to duty sex and I'm a dude. Sex should be exciting and enthusiastic."

Another user posted, "If it's just lay there expressionless and saying get it over with then no thanks. If it's active engagement with some play acting then I'm all for it."

Many echoed the thought that they would rather not have sex than go for maintenance sex.

WHEN TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP?

If you feel pressured into sex, speak to your partner. If force is involved, seek professional help. One must see a therapist or health-care provider if one feels fully sexually unsatisfied or is experiencing an unusually prolonged dip in libido.