Is it okay to date your best friend's ex?

You’ve found yourself in an unexpected situation: you’re catching feelings for your best friend’s ex. It’s the kind of plot twist we’ve seen before in films like Cocktail, where friendship and romance clash in unexpected ways. Remember how Deepika’s Veronica falls hard for Saif’s Gautam, only to discover that her friend Meera is also in love with him? It’s the kind of mess that blurs the lines between loyalty and love, leaving everyone involved with more questions than answers.

In real life, it’s not always as glamorous or dramatic as a Bollywood movie, but the stakes feel just as high. You’re now questioning everything—from the strength of your friendship to what the future might hold with this person. Is it worth risking your bond for a chance at romance? Or are you about to step into drama no one needs? As the lines between love and loyalty blur, you can’t help but wonder: could this ever really work?

Some may say it’s fair game if enough time has passed, while others see it as an unspoken no-go zone. The experts India Today spoke to offer a word of caution.

The broken bro/sister code

The “bro code” or “sister code” refers to unwritten rules that friends follow, including not dating a friend’s ex. It’s intended to prevent hurting feelings, conflict, and awkwardness within the group.

Priyanka Kapoor, a Mumbai-based psychologist, explains, “Feelings of mistrust, hurt, and betrayal can result from breaking the sister or brother code. It’s about overstepping boundaries that were once thought sacrosanct in a friendship. While relationships that push these limits can succeed, they require emotional maturity, open communication, and understanding from all parties involved.”

Dr Chandni Tugnait, psychotherapist and founder-director of Gateway of Healing, further explains that breaking this code can damage friendships, make things awkward, and give others a negative impression of you. “The effects can ripple through your social circle, making things uncomfortable for everyone,” she says.

The emotional minefield

Before diving into this, consider the emotional weight involved. How serious was the relationship between your friend and their ex? Were they casual, or did they share a deep connection? This impacts whether dating them feels like a betrayal.

If the breakup was messy or painful, starting a romance with their ex could reopen old wounds. Your friend might feel hurt or believe you've chosen romance over friendship. In such a situation, ask yourself: How would I feel if the roles were reversed?

The "time heals all wounds" theory

Sometimes, time creates enough distance for both parties to move on. If years have passed and everyone has healed, the complications might be fewer. Shahzeen Shivdasani, relationship expert and author, notes, “If they only dated for a month and your best friend has moved on—maybe she’s in another happy relationship—and years later you bump into this guy, it still works. But the right thing would be to ask her first and gauge how she feels before proceeding.”

Dr Tugnait adds that dating a friend’s ex can be more acceptable if enough time has passed for them to settle their differences. “The ideal scenario, though rare, is when the friend fully supports the new relationship, having moved on and wanting everyone to be happy,” she says.

However, the worst move would be to hide the relationship. Transparency is key—it allows your friend to understand your feelings and perspective. Imagine your friend catching you off guard with their ex in the most awkward situation; are you prepared for that encounter?

Boundaries and priorities

You need to ask yourself: what’s more important—the potential romance or your friendship? If there’s even a slight chance your friend could be hurt, it’s worth re-evaluating your priorities.

“Dating a friend’s ex can really affect friendships. Even if your friend seems okay at first, it can hurt their trust in you. Over time, they might feel resentful, weakening your friendship. Mutual friends might feel they have to pick sides, which can split the group. The tension can last a long time, changing how everyone interacts,” warns Dr Tugnait.

So, no mister over sister?

Let’s be honest—sometimes people meet and fall for each other, even in the most tricky circumstances. What if this ex is someone you genuinely click with and see a future together? Life doesn’t always follow clean lines, and love can bloom in unexpected ways. So, what do you do?

Dr Tugnait advises being careful, communicating openly, and preparing for challenges if you find yourself in this situation. She suggests:

• Think deeply about why you want to pursue this and the possible outcomes.
• Talk honestly with your friend before making any move to avoid feelings of betrayal.
• Respect their boundaries and give them time to process their emotions.
• Transparency can help prevent things from getting worse or more complicated.

Always prioritise your friendships and integrity when navigating these complex emotions.

Relationship mantra

While it’s important to be loyal to friends, adults can make their own choices when it comes to relationships. The key is to handle it with empathy, honesty, and respect. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer; each situation is different, depending on the people and circumstances involved. It’s usually best to avoid such complications, but life and love can be unpredictable.

Source: India Today