2 Do’s And Don’ts Of Workplace ‘Schmoozing’—Advice From A Psychologist

In the workplace, we often do whatever it takes to be seen as likable and competent. This kind of schmoozing—known to psychologists as “impression-management tactics”—can take many forms, such as:

• Self-promotion tactics, in the hopes of seeming competent
• Feigning busyness, in order to seem hard-working
• Threats, so as to seem intimidating
• Feigning cluelessness, in order to receive sympathy
• Flattery and favors, in the hopes of being liked and appreciated

But, according to a 2023 study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, flattery is one of the most common tactics we use. However, the study also revealed that flattery, when responded to, can lead to a host of problems for the person on the receiving end—especially if they’re in a leadership position. So, if you’re planning to compliment your coworkers anytime soon, here’s four do’s and don’ts on how to do it.

1. Know Your Limits

To pay compliments wisely—whether as an impression management tactic or simply trying to be nice—it’s important to recognize the ways they can be used maliciously. According to Benjamin Rogers, the lead author of the abovementioned study, “People use flattery—giving compliments and praise to make the other person like them for personal gain—because it is very effective and can easily be disguised as just being nice.”

“Flatterers are conferred more credibility by the flattery recipient, are more likely to be hired, receive higher performance ratings and are more likely to receive board appointments,” he continues. In this way, the line between flattery and subtle manipulation can be quite thin. So, it’s crucial to tread the line carefully.

Do: Understand The Appeal

People use flattery in the workplace because it can undeniably be highly effective in building rapport and advancing personal goals. As Rogers explains, “Flattery is successful because it is pleasant to hear; it increases a recipient’s self-esteem and social status, and people find it difficult not to like those who think highly of them.”

When someone hears a compliment, it boosts their mood and self-image—making them more inclined to respond positively to the flatterer. This pleasant exchange creates a favorable impression, which in turn makes the recipient more likely to form a connection with the person offering the praise.

Flattery can also trigger feelings of psychological indebtedness. Those who are on the receiving end of compliments often feel a subtle obligation to return the favor—whether consciously or unconsciously. This could mean giving the flatterer more opportunities, positive attention, or favorable treatment. Simply put, flattery can act as a social lubricant, smoothing interactions and helping to build alliances. So, when used appropriately, it can make for positive relationships and enhanced teamwork.

Don’t: Overdo It

While flattery can be a useful tool, too much of it can have negative impacts on leaders and the overall workplace. Rogers explains, “Leaders are often not able to reject flatterers’ requests for favors. Given this unfortunate reality, flattery appears to have a predominantly negative impact on organizations because it results in leaders rewarding flatterers, which is often noticed by other employees either directly or indirectly.”

When leaders frequently reward those who flatter them, it can quickly create a toxic work environment. Other employees may notice this favoritism and feel undervalued or resentful, which may result in lower morale and trust within the team. Moreover, excessive flattery can distort leaders’ perceptions—causing them to make biased decisions that favor flatterers over those who actually deserve recognition based on merit and performance.

In the long run, this can slowly erode the integrity and effectiveness of the organization and its employees. Workers might become disillusioned and disengaged, and the overall productivity and cohesiveness of the team could suffer. Therefore, it’s crucial to strike a balance and ensure that compliments are given sincerely and sparingly to avoid these potential pitfalls.

2. Context Matters

According to Rogers, flattery is ever-present in the workplace, but not deservedly so: “In one of our studies, almost 70% of employees reported witnessing their leader receive flattery from a coworker. Unfortunately, the research is fairly conclusive that flattery does not have a constructive place in an organization as it undermines trust, notions of fairness, meritocracy and interpersonal relationships.”

Therefore, to avoid seeming manipulative or over-the-top when schmoozing, it’s important to pay attention to the who’s, what’s and when’s of your compliments:

Do: Be Self-Aware

You shouldn’t be afraid to give authentic compliments; no harm is done when employees and leaders are friendly towards one another. According to Rogers, what’s important is to ensure that the feedback is both specific and sincere: “Genuinely expressed compliments that are not over-the-top and relate to some specific action that the leader did that benefited the employee are less likely to come across as flattery.”

This means focusing on particular actions or achievements that genuinely impressed you or positively impacted your work. For instance, if a leader’s decision made a significant difference in your project, you wouldn’t seem sycophantic for acknowledging that specific decision.

Don’t: Ignore The Context

Only complimenting your superiors or giving compliments at times when it’s convenient is a sure-fire way to be seen as a brown-noser. According to Rogers, “No matter if praise is delivered well, if it comes right before the leader allocates rewards like bonuses or promotions, it will seem like flattery.” So, timing is crucial; compliments given right before performance reviews and rewards can be perceived as strategic rather than sincere.

Rogers also explains, “If an employee only compliments leaders, it is likely to seem like flattery. If they are instead complimentary to the entire work team, it should reflect more positively.” To be seen as a genuinely nice employee, and not as a suck-up, spread your appreciation across the team and at appropriate times.

This means recognizing and praising your colleagues’ hard work when the workload is piling up, and not just showering your boss with praise. A balanced approach will help you maintain a friendly and positive dynamic with your team, and most importantly, it will demonstrate that your compliments are rooted in genuine appreciation—not in the hopes for personal gain.

Source : Mark Travers PhD/ therapist.org